Illiteracy to Inbreeding: 10 Areas Supremacists Actually Reign Supreme

In recent days, white supremacists have crawled out from under rocks, meth labs, and sun umbrellas for their decennial pilgrimage in search of Vitamin D and a good ass-kicking. Much like the cicada, white supremacists gestate underground as larvae, emerging every 13-17 years to annoy the fuck out of everyone until they’re crushed beneath the rubber boot of humanity. 

While supremacists ostensibly represent the lowest rung of human evolution, there are a few areas in which their supremacy is truly unrivaled.

David Duke struggles to best an old woman in an arm-wrestling match.

1. Tucking T-Shirts into Cargo Shorts
This one goes without saying. No one tucks a t-shirt into a pair of khaki cargos like a white supremacist. They are the undisputed champions. Now pop on a bicycle helmet and you’ve got yourself one hip Nazi fuckhead.

2. Gingivitis
Gingivitis is a very popular periodontal disease in the white nationalist movement. This inflammation of the gums often leads to tooth loss and halitosis. Begging the question, is that a gum disease I detect, or the sweet aroma of racial superiority? It’s gum disease!

3. Medieval Armament
When it comes to slapping xenophobic logos onto wooden shields and prancing around like a Clan-sponsored LARP convention, white supremacists are dominating. Add the bludgeons and obscure flags, and that places them squarely in the Middle Ages alongside their beliefs.

Sweet shades, bra.

4. Crew Cuts
Co-opting this haircut might be the only public service they’ve ever done. When Nazis get ahold of something, its popularity really tends to take a hit. When’s the last time you saw a Hitler mustache? Now if they could only get their grimy hands on hoverboards, Snapchat’s dog filter, and the phrase “Sunday funday.”

5. Drinking Paint Thinner
Paint thinner, Listerine, hydrogen peroxide—if it’s a liquid and it’s not meant to be ingested, white supremacists can drink you under the table.

6. Badminton
They’re just genuinely awesome at it for some reason!

7. Buying Tiki Torches in Bulk
Maybe they spotted a great deal on Amazon, maybe they purchased the unused supplies from Fyre Festival. Either way, who else can turn fun household light sources into a symbol of putrid hate overnight like the alt-right?

Worst season of Survivor ever.

8. Shouting Racial Epithets While Keeping a Dip In
Horrendous, sure. But it’s also a unique skill possessed solely by white nationalists. In fact, these Nazis can accomplish a whole host of disgusting feats while chewing tobacco—vandalizing synagogues, eating at Chick-Fil-A—all without spilling a drop.

9. Possessing Pheomelanin
No Eumelanin for these skinheads—they’re all Pheomelanin, all the time. It’s the Pheomelanin that keeps the white supremacists so white. And while everyone has some of both pigments, they have slightly more of one. Umm, winning!

10. Courting Cowardly Egoists Who, Owing to Their Own Narcissism and Insecurity, Cannot Bear to Lend Even the Most Tepid Condemnation of Nazis—Fucking Nazis—Because They Once Said Something Nice About Him and It Warmed His Soul in a Way That Money and Power Never Could, Likely Due to a Dearth of Actual Love During His Stunted Upbringing, an Upbringing in Which He Was Continually Taught of His Own Supremacy Over Others, Until Only a Shadow of Doubt Remained in Him, and, While Only a Shadow, It Seemed to Gnaw at Him and Goad Him into Making Certain Everyone Knew How Great He Was Because If Everyone Saw It Then His Fear Would Be Abated and He Could Finally Feel Whole and Pure and Important, Which, in Effect, Sounds Pretty Similar to Those Guys, What Do You Call Them, With the Hoods and Whatever, They’re Really into Racism and Thinking They’re Better Than Everybody, Shit, This Is Really Going to Bug Me.

GO PACKERS.

Resume Advice for French Fur Trappers

We’ve all been there. The corporate drones that run your fur trading outpost are downsizing and your job is on the chopping block. Maybe you always specialized in tanning hide, but now you’re being asked to gut and skin too, and for the same pay. Perhaps your new riverboat captain made your job less fun than it used to be and you pushed him overboard where he surely met his icy demise. Either way, it’s time to spruce up that resume.

Let’s start with the obvious. If you want to be taken seriously, your resume should be neat, spellchecked, and completely blood-free. You might think a spot of beaver’s blood on the corner of your resume is no big deal. Maybe you’re even tempted to pen the entire resume in the blood of a rival to demonstrate your tenacity. But nothing turns off potential employers more than a blood-soaked document.

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Canada Is Making Us Look Like WE’RE the Hosers!

I don’t know about you, but I was raised thinking—knowing—that America was Number One. It practically goes without saying. We’re #1 in GDP, defense spending, incarceration rates, soda consumption, and “deaths by reptile.” You can have math scores, China.

But there’s one arena in which even Canada has surpassed us. CANADA! Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau recently welcomed the first of 25,000 Syrian refugees to be relocated to Canada. My initial reaction was to find it cute that Canada elects their own leaders—they want to be just like us!

Then I noticed a more nefarious plot at work. As I scrolled to #1 on Buzzfeed’s “14 Countries Accepting the Most Syrian Refugees,” where I expected to find the U.S. rightly affixed in its proper station, we were nowhere to be found. And in our place: TURKEY. Turkey? The U.S. eats Turkey for breakfast sausage!

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The Founding Fathers Discuss Gun Rights: The Lost Transcript

City Tavern
Philadelphia, PA
1780

 

 

John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton sit in an empty bar.  Jefferson tosses peanuts into Franklin’s mouth.

A. Hamilton: Alright, Dolley Madison, Betsy Ross, and Martha Washington.

T. Jefferson: Okay, marry Betsy Ross. Kill Dolley Madison. And bang Martha Washington, for sure.

George Washington enters bar in a huff.

G. Washington: Shit’s really getting real out there. I just saw this Redcoat totally get bayoneted in the junk. What’s up, were you guys talking about my wife?

B. Franklin: No… Jefferson might have been.

Jefferson makes obscene gesture at Franklin.

T. Jefferson: Can you guys believe Washington’s beating the British with nothing more than muskets and a dainty wig?

G. Washington: My hair’s powdered! You know that! Sometimes I don’t know why I’m friends with you guys.

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Rock vs. Paper: This Is the Most Important Election Since the Dawn of Time. Like Ever.

If you pay close attention to the news, the commercials during the news, newspapers, bumperstickers, tee shirts, your mail, can read, or exist, you may have heard about the upcoming election between Rock and Paper. Another election, you say? Was there not just an election roughly three years and fifty-one weeks ago? Well friend, your ability to gauge the passage of time is strangely precise. There was indeed an election not four years ago. Past elections though, while admirable, were meaningless in the face of this election. Bush vs. Gore? Inconsequential. Reagan vs. Carter? LBJ vs. Goldwater? These were the elections of children.

Even Lincoln besting Douglas in 1860, and the ensuing abolition of slavery and Civil War, in present context was as significant as Randy winning America’s Got Talent. We needn’t look only to American politics for comparison: the breakup of the Soviet Union, the French Revolution, ancient Athenian democracy. Yawn! The only contest of near importance was the landmark decision of Homo Erectus v. Homo Sapiens, running on the platforms of whether or not to leave the cave.

Left: “We’ve come too far to go back to the policies that drove us into this cave to begin with!”
Right: “My opponent calls eating bugs and pooping in the corner progress. I call it the status quo!”

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I Was a Replacement Official.

Well, we really had the rug pulled out from under us. And just when we were getting the hang of it! I have a hard time reading newspapers—what with just the one good eye and all—but my wife tells me we were all over the headlines. We were getting so much attention that we were detracting from the players and games themselves!

Of course the prima donnas couldn’t stand for this. They sought only the status quo, when the boys in stripes were like second class citizens, neither seen nor heard, nor arbitrarily determining the outcome of contests! Let’s just roll back civil rights while we’re at it!

I’m no hero. I just a referee. But I did make this collage that suggests otherwise.

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A Love Letter to Asma Al-Assad, Wife of the Syrian Dictator

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I hardly ever do this—confess my love for married women, let alone wives of brutal Middle East suppressionist dictators. Like almost never. I’m a man of simple tastes. Picnics under sprawling live oaks with nips of crisp Chardonnay. Jean Luc Goddard nights at the vintage theatre downtown. Slow, competent love-making. I’m no totalitarian.

Still, I would be remiss, nay impotent, if I did not take this decisive moment in history to shine brightly in your direction like a lighthouse to a battered skiff, like the moon rising over Lake Assad, whose beauty is surpassed only by another Assad, you my lovely.

Left: Lake Assad.   Right: “I’m a perky little fascist.”

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The 2012 Apocalypse: A Style Guide

Everyone agrees the hottest topic of the year is the coming apocalypse. 2011 was all Royal Wedding buzz, the Kardashians and Jeggings (Jean-leggings!). 2012 will be about finding drinkable water, fighting off bands of cannibals, and Jeggings, again!

All the warning signs were upon us: from the record number of earthquakes, tsunamis and volcano eruptions, to Penn State, to the television adaptation of Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. There’s little doubt 2012 will usher in the end of times. The only question left is how it will happen. And what to wear! The following is a must-list of the swankiest spots in L.A. for whatever doomsday scenario arises.

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