The 2012 Apocalypse: A Style Guide

Everyone agrees the hottest topic of the year is the coming apocalypse. 2011 was all Royal Wedding buzz, the Kardashians and Jeggings (Jean-leggings!). 2012 will be about finding drinkable water, fighting off bands of cannibals, and Jeggings, again!

All the warning signs were upon us: from the record number of earthquakes, tsunamis and volcano eruptions, to Penn State, to the television adaptation of Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. There’s little doubt 2012 will usher in the end of times. The only question left is how it will happen. And what to wear! The following is a must-list of the swankiest spots in L.A. for whatever doomsday scenario arises.

The Big One

The past several decades, speculation has mounted regarding when an earthquake capable of plunging Los Angeles into the sea might occur. And what better way to kickoff the 2012 apocalypse than with the most hotly anticipated disasters of the last 30 years!?

2011: Victoria Beckham dazzles beside the new Range Rover; 2012: An orphan forages for food.

Where to go: As the Los Angeles basin descends into chaotic looting and tribal warfare, the hottest spot to watch the downfall of man is also the coolest: from your commandeered mountaintop chalet! Unoccupied vacation homes are preferable, but if all the vacant ones are snatched up, a little forced entry and false imprisonment can go a long way!

How to get there: Most mountain roads are bound to be destroyed with the initial tremor, and intact ones will likely be packed with outdoors enthusiasts and continuing-to-live enthusiasts. Your best bet is appropriating yourself a dirt bike, à la Elijah Wood in Deep Impact. But remember, you’re not the only Angeleno trying to beat traffic. Arm yourself!

What to eat: Mountaintop home invasion always makes us homesick for Chipmunk Stew. Try it with a crisp Pinot Grigio.

What to wear: Jean shorts say “I’m a hip, ironic urbanite, but I also have the flexibility to run for my life.”

Nuclear War

While chances are slim of making it through global nuclear warfare without breaking a heel, there’s still plenty of exclusive spots at which to see and been seen this nuclear winter!

2011: Kim Kardashian looking hot hot hot outside Beso; 2012: A mushroom cloud fills the sky.

Where to go: The Mohave Desert is home to a network of deep underground shelters designed as a refuge for humanity’s best looking to party all Armageddon long.

How to get there: It’s important to ingratiate yourself with the very rich and very paranoid. These premiere units cost quite a pretty penny and require a serious degree of psychosis. Try sauntering into an Orange County yacht club and offhandedly referring to Obama as the anti-Christ. When that scud missile’s on its way, you’ll be on your way to lavish desert accommodations via a fully-equipped Range Rover.

What to eat: The three-course Côte Du Boeuf is to die for. Follow with a smooth cognac as a digestif. Allow the cognac to warm in your hand before indulging in just a small sip. Hold it in the front of your mouth for a moment and allow it to pass slowly over your palate while it warms the soul. Later, nuts and seeds will be introduced into your diet. With the seed reserve fully exhausted, most will turn to boiled shoe leather. And after the shoes, it’s back to meat!

Tip: No one wants to be caught dead trying to repopulate the earth without a date! Assert your dominance over the competition early and often. Darwin said it best: “Natural selection is like totally hot right now.”

Black Hole

Don’t let the space-time continuum get you down! When Earth crosses the event horizon of a black hole, things are going to get crazier than Vanguard on a Friday. One second you might be an infant version of yourself floating in space, the next you’re a giant nipple. No matter how jarring the transition, don’t give anyone a reason to think you haven’t been here a thousand times before.

2011: Vanguard heating up; 2012: A black hole tears apart the fabric of the universe.

Where to go: At the center of a black hole, the clubs are dimly-lit and packed with stars! There’s no telling who you’ll run into at this celestial hangout—you might rub elbows with PG-1159 at the bar, or make eye contact with 40-Eridani-B across the dance floor. They say not even light can escape a black hole, but with these hot clubs, getting in is going to be your biggest problem. If you’re not on the list, don’t bother!

How to get there: Go to school. Go to work. Go home. Amass petty grievances. Burn bridges. Exaggerate your own significance. Pretend everything you know will endure infinitely, that we do not exist in the blink of a cosmic eye that could reopen any moment.

What to eat: You are an atomized mélange of all physical matter.

What to wear: You are a spectrum of dust undulating with the galactic wind.

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