Rock vs. Paper: This Is the Most Important Election Since the Dawn of Time. Like Ever.

If you pay close attention to the news, the commercials during the news, newspapers, bumperstickers, tee shirts, your mail, can read, or exist, you may have heard about the upcoming election between Rock and Paper. Another election, you say? Was there not just an election roughly three years and fifty-one weeks ago? Well friend, your ability to gauge the passage of time is strangely precise. There was indeed an election not four years ago. Past elections though, while admirable, were meaningless in the face of this election. Bush vs. Gore? Inconsequential. Reagan vs. Carter? LBJ vs. Goldwater? These were the elections of children.

Even Lincoln besting Douglas in 1860, and the ensuing abolition of slavery and Civil War, in present context was as significant as Randy winning America’s Got Talent. We needn’t look only to American politics for comparison: the breakup of the Soviet Union, the French Revolution, ancient Athenian democracy. Yawn! The only contest of near importance was the landmark decision of Homo Erectus v. Homo Sapiens, running on the platforms of whether or not to leave the cave.

Left: “We’ve come too far to go back to the policies that drove us into this cave to begin with!”
Right: “My opponent calls eating bugs and pooping in the corner progress. I call it the status quo!”

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A Love Letter to Asma Al-Assad, Wife of the Syrian Dictator

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I hardly ever do this—confess my love for married women, let alone wives of brutal Middle East suppressionist dictators. Like almost never. I’m a man of simple tastes. Picnics under sprawling live oaks with nips of crisp Chardonnay. Jean Luc Goddard nights at the vintage theatre downtown. Slow, competent love-making. I’m no totalitarian.

Still, I would be remiss, nay impotent, if I did not take this decisive moment in history to shine brightly in your direction like a lighthouse to a battered skiff, like the moon rising over Lake Assad, whose beauty is surpassed only by another Assad, you my lovely.

Left: Lake Assad.   Right: “I’m a perky little fascist.”

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