Canada Is Making Us Look Like WE’RE the Hosers!

I don’t know about you, but I was raised thinking—knowing—that America was Number One. It practically goes without saying. We’re #1 in GDP, defense spending, incarceration rates, soda consumption, and “deaths by reptile.” You can have math scores, China.

But there’s one arena in which even Canada has surpassed us. CANADA! Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau recently welcomed the first of 25,000 Syrian refugees to be relocated to Canada. My initial reaction was to find it cute that Canada elects their own leaders—they want to be just like us!

Then I noticed a more nefarious plot at work. As I scrolled to #1 on Buzzfeed’s “14 Countries Accepting the Most Syrian Refugees,” where I expected to find the U.S. rightly affixed in its proper station, we were nowhere to be found. And in our place: TURKEY. Turkey? The U.S. eats Turkey for breakfast sausage!


Left: Trudeau welcoming refugees at airport.       Right: What we look like.

As my primary news source, Buzzfeed has never steered me wrong before, and I have no reason to doubt them now. From “8 Things You Didn’t Know Had Nuts in Them” to “23 Cats Who Are Winners.” (Just try telling me those cats weren’t winners! I will throw down!) I like my news numbered, concise, and in large fonts—and Buzzfeed delivers!

After a little digging (Google search terms: “refugees U.S. number one best RIGHT?”), I uncovered a startling figure: the U.S. has taken in just 2,300 Syrian refugees since 2011. Are you Karate Kidding me right now?! Turkey has taken in 2.2 million. Lebanon has accepted a cool mil, and they’re the size of Delaware—the state whose motto is “Small Wonder!”


Delaware: “They can’t even fit our stupid initials on maps!”

That’s not what really gets my goat though. It all comes back to Canada. Our little brothers to the north are making us look like Grade-A Assholes. If this were about something insignificant like maple syrup production or Olympic hockey, I wouldn’t mind. But Buzzfeed doesn’t waste our time on the insignificant. (link: “19 Euphoric Experiences for People who Love Stationery”)

Now, I agree with loudest people on TV that given the current national threat we should close our borders and create a list of people who subscribe to a certain religion—that’s always turned out well in the past. Furthermore, it’s not like we’re to blame for destabilizing the region around Syria in the first place. Because we aren’t. Uh-uh. Nope. Don’t look at us. LOOK AWAY!

state map

How can Syrians assimilate without experiencing Kansas’s #1 attraction, The World’s Largest Ball of Twine?

Still though, are we just going to sit back and watch as Canada makes us look like we’re the hosers, all while they apologize profusely?

And what’s worse: they’re looking good doing it. By all accounts, Justin Trudeau is the hottest world leader since Khal Drogo. We’re the Dothraki heartthrobs of North America, Canada! No butterface himself, President Obama has escalated this sexy standoff by proposing to welcome 10,000 more refugees to the handsomest place on earth.

But that’s not even enough to tie Trudeau, let alone enough to make other countries overlook our comparative homeliness—especially if Trump wins. With over four million refugees looking to GTFO, we could embarrass Canada worse than when we bought Alaska for a handful of wooden nickels and a paddleball.


A deal’s a deal, Russia.

Maybe there’s even a way to solve both our problems. From Rachel McAdams to Ryan Reynolds to The Biebs, these sexy Canucks are usurping our global stranglehold on hardbodies. For every Seth Rogan, two Goslings pop up. We need some fresh faces of our own—perfectly symmetrical, even-toned ones.

With high-end, 9×12 headshots for all four million refugees, we could start placing some atop the pile with the children and the well-educated. We could even deploy them to where they’re needed most. Imagine what an influx of 20,000 Syrian hotties could do for Des Moines.

Seriously, given the other ideas being floated, it’s not that crazy. Your days as Hottest Humanitarians are numbered, Hosers.


“Give me your babes, your hunks, your chiseled masses yearning to breathe sexy!”

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